Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
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*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.