Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

was in a meeting that ran over by about 20 minutes and the presenter was not even close to being finished

until a very exasperated nigerian colleague unmuted herself to announce loudly “i am very unhappy with you, barry”

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?