Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price