Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit

Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”