Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.