Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.