sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
