Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.

Someone wants you to stop at the store.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.