Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
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my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
two people or more is called a problem
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.