Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.

me: you ever have conversations in your head?

me: lmao no

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….

over 7k tabs down the drain….

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night

TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet