Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
Got him!
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
