Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep

Rich people don’t understand cereal

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”