Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
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What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you