Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here