Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
In Canada they just call them geese
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.