Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
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Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
New favorite tiktok
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
scares
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!