Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
every olympics i turn into this guy
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!