Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
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My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
You don’t have to worry about me when I’m hangry but you should keep your distance when I’m sleevil (sleepy + evil)
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Social Media and Real life
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?