Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
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BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
my sentiments exactly
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
everyone’s a critic
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*