Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Who’s your best friend?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
