Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I enjoy a good short stor
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Our lord and savoury.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
