Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
technically true but not a great slogan
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
went fishing caught a bass
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
