Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Seek kebab; not attention
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
he’s doing your taxes
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
True freaking story!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
