Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
greetings!
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL