Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My dog learned how to text
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
