Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it