Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children

Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.