Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
You deplete me
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
A French press is when you hug naked
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.