@Sickayduh
One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb
@JoParkerBear
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
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@Sickayduh
@PleaseBeGneiss
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
@House_Feminist
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
@lazerdoov
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
@osigat
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
@carleysholl
Wtf has just happened😳
@NoticablyBacon
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
@dwakengawd
@gorrdano
I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.
@elle91
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.