One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
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RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Wtf has just happened😳
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.