Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Twitter,

I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I