Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
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It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
*pokes sex life with a stick
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
i’m still crying at this
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.