Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Banderslack Clamberdorch

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?