Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
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If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
😂😂
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.