Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
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A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Leonardo DiCaprisun
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
