Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
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Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Sooo many times…..
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I’m listening
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
who wants to go expliring
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
The government even made aliens boring
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am