Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

spicy snake

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.