Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands