Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.