In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10