Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
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I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
A woman drives into a bar.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
