Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

Not today. 😅

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

centipede: *walking by*

Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.