Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
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What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.