Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
black phone good
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
