Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.