Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
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Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.