Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier