Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one

Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready

*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*

Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?

Boy: January 1?

Girl: Valentine’s Day?

Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment