Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
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lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*