Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”