Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
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Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!