Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.

Bank manager: Get out.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

The funk soul brother

I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope

Sometimes? I’m slipping

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.

I didn’t realize that was an option

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks