Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
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great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
“you look easy to draw”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses