Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

him: hands up, this is a robbery!

me *looks around* it’s actually a bank

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

I feel it

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are