Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

My purse is deeper than some people.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.

chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure