Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.

I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.

~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.