Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
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There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Friday night party time 🥳
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
good morning
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*