Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.