Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
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*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
bros in the example zone 😭
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.