Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
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I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”