Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
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Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true