Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
go easy on yourself <3
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Good morning
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.