Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
He took my last fry, your honor
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
New comic up. “Ransom”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.