Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Matt Goss
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…