@michaelianblack

Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.

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@tweetsbyrocket

me getting out of time machine i did it

wife did what

me i killed the guy who invented punctuation

@Mostly_Cheese

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

@Havish_AF

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

@jazmasta

[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”

@batkaren

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ??????

@bocxtop

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

@shutupmikeginn

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.