me getting out of time machine i did it
wife did what
me i killed the guy who invented punctuation
Sometimes I think these Kardashians are just doing stuff for the attention.
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doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
ME: Zucchini bread.
wife: my water’s broke
me: *parched* oh thank god
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.