I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Incredible customer service.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?