Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
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(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball