Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me:

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?

Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

Meow

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”