Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

[during fight]

him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it