Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut

Me: well I use a bigger bowl now

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?

Me: Chloroform

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

good morning

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?