sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
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I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Beauty and the Beast
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
What even happened today?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.