sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.