Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?