Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

My dad’s son is like a brother to me.

Liquor Store Parking

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

Very problematic

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

ㅤ

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.