Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*